Well, nor The Cubicon nor Mrs. Sphere are rich. Far from it. However, that only increased the feeling of insecurity. Having someone break into their apartment and steal what they earned with effort was a bad thing to happen. Still, The Cubicon knows that money and valuable things are better stored in places for that: banks, safe deposit boxes, and such. But then, what was the use for a safe? Documents. Everyone knows that getting documents stolen is really a pain in the … . Passports, permits, birth certificates, marriage certificates, etc. do not have intrinsic value in them except for the value in time you will waste getting copies of them if they are stolen. Every document is issued in a different place and with different requisites and many times one document is requisite to get another. Queues. Fees to pay. Not if it can be avoided. All that paper stuff goes into a safe. If the world truly and fully adopted technology, there would not be the need for paper, and thus: no safe. So it is the world that is to blame for The Cubicon's current predicament.
Predicament? Well, yes. Story goes like this. To store paper stuff, a state of the art safe with biometrics and all that crap is not needed. Unless one is paranoid. The Cubicon is not (yet) paranoid. Just a small, numeric pad electronic safe would do. That is what The Cubicon bought: an electronic safe a little bit bigger than a box of shoes. That was enough. The Cubicon, being as he is, did not request the store to send someone to install it. The Cubicon is quite crafty with tools and after several years has acquired a quite complete tool set. Nothing to build a house, but enough to do all the required housework. This is something the The Cubicon must thank to his father. That is another story.
Back to The Safe. The Cubicon chose a discrete place: floor of a closet, where shoes are usually stored, towards the back wall. There the safe would not be seen by anyone opening the closet standing up. To see it someone would have to crouch. Perfect. The Safe was to be bolted to the floor from within the safe, so The Cubicon placed the included template (the one that shows where to drill the holes) on the floor, marked the place and just about to start drilling... The Cubicon started thinking: placing it like that would make the floor part of the closet not deep enough to put really anything there. Change of plans: place it in the same part towards the back wall, but sideways. The Safe's sidewall would be facing outward and the door would open to the side... into the closet. There. More space to put long things if required. A bit harder to access, but The Cubicon was not expecting to be using The Safe on a daily basis. That small change of placement would prove a great thing some years later.
After properly bolting it to the floor, The Cubicon put the batteries, configured the code and tested it several times to be sure. That was it. Done. Some clean up of the drilling and no one knew anything had happened. This was 7 years ago.
Some two years passed uneventfully. The Safe worked fine until one day it did not. Batteries were gone, The Safe did not open. No problem. The Safe came with a pair of keys to be used in such cases as dead batteries and non-working keypad. Safe opened. Next step: change the batteries... but not right then... The Cubicon was in a rush that day. He would do it later. Later became LATER. LATER became NEVER.
Five more years went by. Key worked fine. One day, about a couple weeks ago, The Cubicon needed to do a bank payment and remembered there was some money in The Safe. The Cubicon had stored it there for cases like this. Last minute need (forgotten about the final payment date) and there was no time to go other bank to get the money. Saved by The Safe. So, The Cubicon opened the safe with the key, got some money out, put the rest back in and closed the safe. Just then, The Cubicon thought that he better get a little more just in case. Go figure: just one min before everything was ok... now the safe did not open with the key. Damn. Well, payment was covered. The Cubicon would handle it later. That very same night, before doing anything drastic, The Cubicon searched the web for options for cases like this. All cases said: use the backup key that came with the safe. Hmmm... that was not working. Eventually, The Cubicon came to several answers that he already knew, but did not want to accept: The Safe would need to be opened forcefully. Even like this, The Cubicon tried some other options: WD40 on the key hole, removing the plastic cover of the front door, etc. No luck. Even the cheap ones (OK, yes, it was a cheap safe) are hard to open. So, now it was a matter of choosing the way to do it. It would have to be a way that required little space to maneuver due to placement, and basic tools. Tools of choice: drill with metal drill bit, metal saw, eye protection and some luck.
Today was the day. The Cubicon was going to force The Safe open. One whole week of meditation to get ready. Pity to do that to a fellow cubic shape, but... money is money. The Cubicon got to it. Remember when The Cubicon decided to place it sideways some seven years ago? Well, it was worth it. Drilling through the door is impossible. Too thick. Opening it would have been practically impossible without prying it out of the floor placing to get access to the sides or bottom. The Cubicon installed it and knew that prying it from floor it was bolted to would have taken a feat of strength to achieve. However, it was facing sideways. Good. It took 50+ little holes drilled on the side of The Safe really close to each other, in the shape of a rectangle just big enough to fit The Cubicon's hand. Damn them huge hands. One drill bit died in the process. Snapped in half. It was too thin for the chosen task. Next drill bit in thickness replaced the deceased one. The Cubicon was careful enough to drill not too fast. Sparks or high heat from friction is something The Cubicon did not want anywhere near his money. Screw the documents. The Cubicon was worried about the money. Then it took a bit more drilling to make the little holes wider, but not drilling all the way through. The big drill bit could do any sorts of damage to the valuables. The aim was just to widen the holes a bit. After the big drill bit, there were only thin pieces of metal separating each hole. The Cubicon then drilled the corners of the rectangle wide enough to fit the metal saw (the thin kind). Finally, The Cubicon used the saw to cut the thin metal pieces in between the holes. Only three sides were enough. Then just a big screwdriver to pry open the loose plate and break it off from the remaining side to cut. Only 40min after starting and after the excruciating sound of drilling into metal, valuables were recovered intact. Money at hand... and complete. Yes, complete. Even when it was inside an impossible to open safe, The Cubicon counted it anyway. You know, just in case. The Cubicon works hard to earn it. Ten more minutes for cleanup of the metal dust and shards and there was no clue that such an attack on The Safe had taken place.
What did The Cubicon get from this seven-year long experience? For starters, do not postpone things to later. Later tends to become Never. The Safe with the nasty hole on the side will be taken out Later. Ha!!! And: even the cheap safes take quite a bit of work to open. Of course, there are better tools to do it easier and faster. But also, it is a risk against the contents. Any high rotation tool or welding rig can create sparks or enough heat to burn the paper contents. Read: money. Anyway, regardless of how it is done, it takes quite a bit of work. Enough to be a deterrent against most thieves. Finally, The Cubicon noticed that all those movies where a safe is drilled through the face plate to put a fiber optics camera or what not... all lies. In the movies, the drilling is practically silent. Just a mild screeching is all you hear. The thieves do it with someone guarding it just next door and no one notices. BS. The sound that came from The Cubicon's drilling was anything except quiet. Moreover, it was a cheap safe. Imagine the metal density of the high-end safes shown in movies that are worth the risk for someone to try breaking into. Aha, silent drilling. BS!!
Well. Day over. Money recovered. Safe left in nasty shape. The Safe is not safe anymore. Good day in the end.
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